I get a little ahead of myself, my visa triumph, I am truly chuffed with this, my favorite stamp in my five passports. Whilst some feel elation at the their football teams triumph, a payrise at work or the thought of their favourite TV program, I was in pure ecstasy leaving the embassy with a stamp. For an infidel such as myself, a visa to the land of the two Mosques is normally only possible if I'm going to work in the country or on an extremely expensive sporadic group tour with a police escort. Not content to work in Australia I am certainly not interested to work for the medieval kingdom of Saud or pay them any sort of money to see their country. So a transit visa was the only possibility. It took four visits in four days to the Saudi embassy in Sa'na, Yemen.

There are posts on the internet about people obtaining transit visas when in possession of a Jordanian visa, the country on the other side of Saudi from Yemen. My first crack at the Saudi embassy was completely unsuccessful. I was told it was open til 12 and I arrived at 11, the embassy was closed at 10. Next day I lined up to the front gate at 8, they sent me across the road to a photocopy shop that sold the visa forms and translators who spoke no English who helped me fill out the visa form in Arabic. Back to the guards outside an enormous wall for a really imposing embassy, they directed me to a travel agency down the road. At the travel agency after much discussion about why I wanted a transit visa, my reason was to save money, about US$200, its enormously cheaper to bus through Saudi than it is to fly over it, they ended up telling me that everything was in order and I should return to the embassy which by this time was closed.

For my third attempt I arrived at 8, lined up, again the guards directed me to the travel agency, I refused to move and stalled the line, the guards made some calls, they let me through. Along a path to a very well designed court yard, conducive to heat dispersal with a semi-functional fountain in the middle and about 200 Yemeni's. I made straight for the door to enter the visa hall, they refused and said I should wait a minute. In Arabic 'wait a minute' is the tips of all fingers on the right hand pressed together, facing skywards and moving up in a few gruff jolts, its the Middle East's lingua franca and the most used piece of body language, even the Israeli's do it. A minute turned into ten and I made another attempt, denied, back to sitting. After an hour of waiting I was getting suspicious, everyone in Muslim garb were been ushered in. The guard at the door disappeared so I made a dash for it and into the hall. There were many lines I took to one, the guy at the counter told me I had to wait, he couldn't approve my visa, only the Consul could. I sat, and I sat, the lines shortened, no one else entered the hall, the lines emptied, the staff left, the guards told me to leave, the guards left, I sat and they turned off the lights. After about half an hour of sitting in an empty room and a few unsuccessful attempts by the guards at ejecting me one of the embassy staff returned to talk to me. He looked at my papers, he said 'Everything is in order, we should issue you the visa, but the Consul needs to sign off on it and today he has personality problems'. I think he meant personal problems, but personality problems was more apt. Content I left after a total of four hours to return the next day.

Again 8 and again the same problem with the guards at the entrance and again at the visa hall. After some negotiations I was in the visa hall in a line to see a guy who told me I needed to see the consul but he was asleep. I waited until midday when an extremely fat hungover guy who looked to be about 20 turned up and pronounced himself to me as the consul. I discussed my plan to pass through his country in order to save $200, he thought it was a valid reason, signed in the box and sent me to a further two counters, one to pay, one to hand over the receipt. Two days later I was back at the embassy with a slip that enabled me to pass the guards without discussion and to a passport with a very swank visa, all in Arabic, a photo that made me look like a mercenary, and an 'Enjoy your time in Saudi Arabia' from the embassy drone. Before I left I got some people to translate the visa's Arabic. It was a visa that could be used anytime within the next three months, it was valid for zero days and I was going by road to Jordan. The proud possessor of a Saudi visa I went and claimed my bus ticket through to Jeddah. Exiting Yemen was more of a problem than entering Saudi Arabia.

I had forgot to register with the police in Yemen, the immigration officer pointed at the big stamp in my passport saying register with the police within seven days. He kept saying Sana, I kept saying Jeddah, we agreed on US$15, I should have bargained harder. The Saudi's had a really slick border post, although it hadn't been maintained, much like the embassy and Jeddah. Jeddah was exceptionally humid and completely Arabless. I felt like I had just bussed to KL in Malaysia, full of Asians, Bangla been spoken everywhere, the compactness, markets of Asia, Philipinos, Malays, Indonesians, Indians, Bengalis, Pakistanis, Africans but no Arabs and no whites. More surprising were the women, walking around hand in hand with men, hair flowing freely, scandalous, a stones throw from Mecca. From the land that exported virulent naziesque Wahhabism across the planet, they should be stoning women in their own backyard before they tell others where to throw their stones. I can't hide my disappointment, I thought I was going to the most conservative country on the planet, I saw more women in five minutes than I had in two weeks in Yemen, I was invited for a smoke, they had western shopping malls and I was gearing myself up to advocate the nuking of the entire country. My faith in Saudi Arabia has been shaken but I was told after my unsuccessful venture to chop chop square that Riyadh is far more conservative. I don't want to give you a bad impression of the place, the government enforces Ramadan, all shops and business close for the five prayers a day, the Mosques are overflowing, people praying all over the street. The one thing that was as I imagined was petrol, the price of water is more than double that of petrol. Been so close to Mecca I thought there might be a little spiritual rub. Watching the TV, the prayers at Mecca and Medina, thousands of people in concentric circles praying to a giant black rock, people from all over the world, except white people, bathed in white clothes, the very artistic and beautiful Arabic writing over the walls, the sing song of the Koran been called out, I can't deny that it interests me. If the misogyny, anti-semitism, ban on pissing standing up, intoxicants, art, music and sex, the medieval punishments, fasting, rules for every situation, violence and most importantly God and Mohammad could all be extracted out of Islam, I think I would find it appealing. But still, with all of the above removed I couldn’t stand and kneel together, I would do the opposite, as much as I find beauty in collective action, I prefer to watch and then do my own thing, I am purely individualistic at heart. As everyone walks around the rock I would walk the opposite direction. Entertaining the idea of a life of rules is possible without critical thought, but once it kicks in, after a quarter of a second, I think, man….this is insanity. Over my travels I have spent so much time in cultures where people are immersed in the rules of God yet constantly breaking them I can't help but question my own atheistic ways, every time I get the same answer, if there is a God, he is really very rude and we should organise an army and declare war on him. The people who pray and are obedient are the poorest and most fucked up people on the planet, those who live in relative peace, security and prosperity don't pay any attention to him. What other conclusion can you draw, God punishes his own people and rewards the infidels. I'm sticking with the infidels and I think you should join us.

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